Nothing to be ashamed of
by Nanadb
Summary: "Mom, I really don't want to do this," "Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you, no one is… There's nothing to be ashamed of." But what if there was? What is that not allowing Renesmee face the people who love her the most?
1. The Shame

**Chapter 1: THE SHAME**

"Mom, I really don't want to do this," I groaned as I plopped down on my bed with the pillow over my face.

"Nessie, I think we should talk about it," she said in a soft voice. I felt the weight of the bed change as she sat beside me. She tried to pull off the pillow off my face but gave up seeing I wouldn't let go of it, though I'm pretty sure she could have just rip it off if she whised. I could not look at her face right now.

How could I after what I did?

"Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you, no one is…" my answer was a snort as I tried to ignore the fact that I could probably burn off the pillow from the heat in my cheeks. "It's perfectly normal you did…that," she went on. But it didn't escape my attention the hesitation in her voice. "There's nothing to be ashamed of," she added.

Those words triggered something inside me.

How could she say that? Did she really suffer of short-term memory loss or something like that? – Something I would see rather disturbing and just… weird on a vampire - or was this the motherly love and motherly forgiveness everybody talked about?

Because, I'll be damned all to hell if there was nothing to be ashamed of.

"Are you serious?" I asked, ripping the pillow off of my face. I didn't give her the chance to answer before I sat up straight and looked at her deadly in the eyes, before talking again, "I know that what I did was perfectly normal! But don't you come and tell me that being caught by almost ALL your family, while you're masturbating is nothing to be ashamed of!" I yelled. "And not only that, but that between those who caught you on it, was the person whose name you were moaning at the precise moment when you climaxed… But I suppose that _that_ is something I should not be ashamed of either, right?" I yelled sarcastically and quite bitterly, I must say.

Mom sat in front of me wide eyed, blinking and jaw opened, gapping like she was trying to come up with some words to relief me and couldn't come up with nothing. Then I heard a chuckle, a smack and then few growls, followed by a voice that I would recognize even if I was dead…

"_If you say something else, I swear of god Emmett, I will kill you with my own bare hands and literally feed you to the wolves!" _Jacob whispered in a growl that I was sure he did not intend for me to hear, but of course, thanks to my vampire heritage, I did.

And I could tell by his voice that he was shaking trying to control his phasing.

"_Now, calm down Jacob… I'm sure you don't want to piss up Renesmee more than she is right now. And by killing her uncle, you certainly will." _ Jasper whispered and I felt a light wave of calm spread inside me. Right now, I wouldn't mind if they kill Emmett or not. But I know I would regret later… wait…

…Emmett, Jasper… I could hear them. I could hear them _downstairs. _What meant that they heard what I just said… what meant that _HE_ had heard what I just said.

Only then, did I realize that by saying what I said, I had made a bigger mistake than the one I have already done, and embarrassed myself even further that I already have.

Because downstairs, were six vampires and a werewolf, that had an extremely well enhanced hearing; and were, by the way, the same six vampires and werewolf who found me in plain orgasm moaning Jacob's name at the top of my lungs.

But of course I couldn't think of _that_ before releasing my verbal vomit.

I'm so fucked up.

Four days…

Four days had passed since that awful, embarrassing day.

Four days since I hadn't left my room.

Four days since I have talked or seen anyone besides mom.

Extreme? Maybe. Not that I cared, though.

But the part that was actually killing me, was that four days had passed since I last saw or spoke to Jacob… and now, he probably think I'm just a horny teenager ruled by her screaming hormones, who can't take a hold of herself.

Or at least doing it privately.

My family and I had moved to Southern Ontario, Canada, when I was three years old; which for me, physically, meant around ten to twelve years old.

I knew at the moment that I would miss Charlie, my grumpy grandpa, who mom had always told me that melts with my very presence; the guys from La Push, specially Seth, Quil and Claire; my house, the one where I was born and had grew up and had so many memories in; the forest, when I had hunted so many times, where I had run so many miles just to feel the wind in my face and the dirt under my feet, listening to all of its sounds...

Yes, I would simply miss Forks… It was all I knew to an extent.

But the moment I first knew we were going to move out, none of these things even cross my mind. Only one thing did, or a person, must I say… Jacob.

I threw a tantrum about how I wasn't going to move out at least I was dead. I yelled at mom at dad and told them they could not do this to me, without even giving them the chance to speak or explain me the reasons why we had to move. Though I knew them all, and I had always been conscious that the time would come soon when we would have to do it. But I just wasn't prepared to leave my Jacob behind me. No, it wasn't that I was not prepared. It was that I could simply _not_ leave him behind. Not amount of preparation could change that.

It wasn't until Jacob himself told me and swore to me that he was going to move out with us, that I stopped yelling and crying and gave the rest of my family a chance to speak.

Our house here on Ontario was pretty much the same style that the one we had in Forks. Wide open and light colored spaces, with big long windows that let the light enter. The house was even located near a lake, which reminded me of the river we had almost in our backyard back in Forks. The only thing totally different was that in Ontario, was that we had a huge pool on the backyard. It was only installed because Jacob and I wanted a pool – yes, installed. Because there was no way that a normal person would want a pool in the wintery weather in Ontario. But of course we weren't normal persons, but anyway – Jacob lived in the guest house, which was really more like a mini department since it had its own kitchen/dining room, living room and two bedrooms, each one with its own bathroom – he told me that it was even bigger that his house back in La Push. Not that he cared much anyway.

I knew that it was hard on him to be away from his family, the pack, La Push… because like me, it was everything he had ever known and loved. And I felt bad that I had almost made him come with us, it made me feel the most selfish being on earth to even think about it.

Fact that occurred often.

He found me one day on the lakeside, sitting on a rock. We had found this place in one of our explorations of the area when we just moved in. It was a dock, from an old abandoned house. The view was just beautiful; showing the lake in all its extension, lined with row after row of pine trees and the mountains highlighting in the background.

We had kept this place secret, only for us. It was a place where we could go and think, hang out together without anyone disturbing us or just being alone without really hide from each other.

That day I was there because I had, unintentionally, overheard a conversation that Jacob was having with Emmett and Jasper.

"_Don't you miss Forks?" _Emmett had asked Jacob.

"_Yeah..." _he sighed _"But it´s not like I have a choice… what else could I have done? Stay?"_

"_Yeah, it's pretty difficult when it comes to Nessie." _Jasper said.

After that I had ran until I reached the dock at the lakeshore. The words repeated on my mind and they only made me feel more and more selfish, and shittier that I already felt. But of course, as everything bad that happened in my life, it went away with Jacob's words of reassurance. He told me that it _was_, in fact, true that he missed Forks, and his family, and the pack; that he felt sad sometimes being away from them… but that he would have felt millions times worse, that he would have felt like he was _dying_ if he had stayed there with all of that, but without _me_.

In that moment, seeing his face looking me at me so tenderly, under the dim light of the sunset… I just couldn't help myself and I had kissed him on the lips. It was just a peck and really, _really_ quick, if you ask me… but it was my first kiss, and it was Jacob.

At first I had seen his shocked face but the composed it into a bright smile, and when I had started to apologize he told me not to be worried about it, that it was okay. That was about two months after we moved in. And although, it has passed four years since that day, I could still feel the burning and softness of his lips on mine, despite the fact that they had been join by around three seconds top.

So yeah… if you haven't noticed before I'm head over heels in love with my best friend, who happen to have twenty-three years old, when I'm only six years old.

Not, that I feel six… Hell no! In _any _way I feel like six years old… A six years old girl _DO NOT_ masturbate thinking how her best friend lips would feel in her neck, while his hands go all over exploring her body… like it was a new land to discover…

_Arggggg! Not really helping here, you know?_

_Well, you started… so don't blame me._

Fucking perfect. Now I'm talking to myself. Just what I needed.

Anyway… so this year was my first year at high school. I started as a junior, since I look like sixteen, maybe seventeen… mom and dad thought it was a good time, since my growing rate had slowed to almost match the growing of a normal human teenager. Dad wanted all of them to come with me to high school – and when I mean all of them… I mean _all _of them. Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, mom, dad and Jacob. Of course mom had refused by all means to that, saying that I _was_ and actual teenager and it would be just too weird and just plain mean of them to have my parents in high school all the time.

And it was true, so I was thankful when only Jake was enrolled in the school with me. He was starting as a senior – because, really, he could barely pass as one – but he had insisted he wanted to be with me at least the first year, so I would get use to it and didn't feel all lonely at first… though I think it was because he didn't want to be away from me as much as I didn't want to be away from him. Not that I mind much, really.

About five months, we were on our dock and decided to take a swim in the lake. I had no other clothes with me, and there was no way I was going to run all the way back home with wet clothes, even though I had my own heater. So I went in for swim in my underwear. I was left breathless and speechless when I turned around to see a half naked Jake, wearing only dark blue boxers. It was the more beautiful sight I had ever seen, even though he had his back to me.

In that moment the only thing I could think of – apart from the sight before me – was that I could not let him see me staring and drooling him, and the only way I could stop from doing it was if I ran. So I did the first that came into my mind. I ran toward the end of the dock to jump from it to the lake. I was nearing the end of it, when I forgot a broken plank that was in of the dock… and of course, I, being daughter of my mother, had inherited at least some of her clumsiness. And with my luck, it had to come up just in that moment, so I could fall on my back and hit my head pretty hard.

I remember that Jacob had run to my side and lift my head so he could see me. I felt dizzy in that moment, but not precisely because of the knock, but because I was suddenly very aware of Jake's naked chest against my side and his hands, one on the back of my neck, lifting me up, and the other on my waist as he supported me. But above that, what I was even more painfully aware of was of his face mare inches from mine as he spoke anxiously, washing my face with his hot breath.

In that moment, like I had before, I couldn't help it and I kissed him. But _unlike_ before, I was not thirteen anymore. I knew that a kiss could go beyond that just put your lips together with the person you are kissing.

What shocked me, though, was not that I had kissed him… because I knew that someday I would give in just to feel his lips in mine again. No, that did not shock me, at all. It was that Jacob not only had responded to the kiss, but that he also had deepened it. He crushed my body to his and cupped my face in his hands, the swim in the lake long forgotten.

That same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought he was joking or making fun of me because I had kissed him. But one look at his face, told me that he was being dead serious. I said yes, of course. Not caring the age difference, or what mom or dad or any in the family would say.

We told mom and dad the same day, not only because it was almost impossible to keep something from dad – well, not for me at least. I had become a pro at it, since I didn't want him to know every time I thought of Jake – but because I had a very open relationship with my parents and I didn't want to keep something like this from them and of course I didn't want to be hiding out with Jacob… I wanted something serious, something right.

And it did felt right, every single thing about us being together felt right. Every time we touched in any way, every time we kissed, every time we hugged, even the simplest thing as holding hands… it just felt _utterly right_.

But I could not have sex with him just yet.

I didn't feel… prepared… for it. I didn't feel prepared for _him._

I mean, how could I be? He's almost twenty-four years and I was, let's say, seventeen… though mentally I felt like more, but whatever…

He _had _to have some experience in it. And I… had _any._ I knew that when we got to do it, I would, err... learn… eventually. And practice makes perfect and all that. But I had my rights to have my fears, hadn't I?

But even though I was scared, I had my own needs. And almost every time Jake and I got, er… intense…– what means some make out with some occasional touching above the belt line from my part – I'd get too worked up. And I know he knows it, we both know it. But we can´t bring ourselves to stop soon enough before it happens.

I had found my ways to release. I'm sure he has too. But we haven't addressed to it yet. We're not in _that_ stage yet. _I'm_ not in that stage yet. I'm sure we're close to it, but not there yet.

So, you can imagine my embarrassment, when all this mess happened. I mean, I was _literally _moaning and panting Jacob's name when I heard the food steps and then my door close.

"_Alice said it'll be a warm, but without sun... it will be fun" Jake had said. He was sitting, legs-extended, on the floor on my room; he's back against the footboard in my bed, while I was laying face down on my bed, playing loosely with his hair as he rested his head on the edge of my bed looking up at me._

"_Yeah, a bunch of vampires in a snowball fight should be quite fun," we were near Christmas, and the winter was starting to hit in all its force around here. The night before, a blizzard had taken place near the zone and the repercussions of it had left a big amount of snow to be cleaned. But leave it to a bunch of over hundred years old vampires to want to start a snowball fight before the snow got cleaned – not all of them, mom for instance, still doesn't like the snow, though now it feels warm to her touch, she says it's still wet._

"_Hey, I'm a werewolf, not a vampire. I do not stink," he said faking insult and trying to hide a smile. I decided to play along._

"_Hmmm… well, I don't know, I guess I should test that myself. We wouldn't want to have a stinky creature here in my bedroom spreading his odor around all my stuffs, now don't we?" I tried to sound nonchalant as I leaned forward and put my nose in Jake's neck and run it all over his throat till I got to the other side of his neck and inhaled deeply. _

_I could hear Jacob's heart beat faster, almost matching mine, at the time that I could feel his blood pulse through the vein to the side of his neck. I heard him and felt him swallow one and then two times, before I kissed him below the jaw. I retreated slowly, popping my head on my hands._

"_Do you approve? To me being in your _bed_room?" he asked smirking as he opened his eyes and stared at me. My heart skipped a beat at the _real_ question he was asking me. What should I answer? Of course I did approve him! But should he know just yet?_

"_Yes… to both of your questions" I looked at his lips as I answered, just to not look at his eyes, he licked his lips and I looked at his eyes just to not look at his lips. _

_What I found there shocked me for a moment and before I had any time to ponder it he had spoken._

"_I love you. So much," he had whispered. _

_My eyes had gone wide open as my heart almost went out of my chest at that moment._

_It was the first time he said it. _

_But then again, I shouldn't be that shocked… I know about the imprinting, and all that about the soul mates… yet, I feel like this was much bigger than when he said I was his imprint. Maybe it had to be with the fact that a soul mate could be not just a lover or a partner, but a friend for example. But him saying that he _loved me_… I mean, he had said it ever since I remember, since I was a kid. But this had a whole new connotation to it and… and he had said he loved me. Like love from being _in love.

Yes, he said it… and yet you are just there thinking about connotations and soul mates and all that crap, instead of answering to him.

"_I don't need you to say it back; I just want you to kno-"_

"_I love you, too," I said breathless, cutting him off. He looked at me like he was searching something in my face, and then sighed and grinned as though he had found it._

_He leaned in and kissed me. Slowly. Softly. Sweetly. Bringing his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. Then, it was as if hell had set loose; as if we both were trying to put everything we had just said in that kiss. He got to his knees in front of me, as I did too, leaning on to him. He slowly stood up, without breaking the kiss and I pulled him toward me as I lay back at the head of my bed. He obliged with no hesitation and lay beside me on the bed._

_I pulled back to breathe, but apparently, his air supply was perfectly intact, for his lips moved toward my neck as his hand run up and down on my arm. I moaned softly as he licked the base of my throat. I reached to the hem of his t-shirt but he stopped me._

"_Your parents," he mumbled kissing his way up to my jaw and then to my lips._

"_Only Emmett and Rose here," I kissed him "The others... gone," kiss "Snowball fight," he kissed me deeply._

"_So they left them to babysat?" he cocked an eyebrow teasingly._

"_Until we join them in the fight," I pulled him back to me. He groaned softly as I ran my hand up his back to tangle them on his hair._

"_You two better thank God it's us who stayed to babysat. No get your asses down here before I have to drag you myself. Or better yet… before I have to tell Edward and Bella to drag your horny asses out of bed or wherever you are," we both groaned at Rose yelling from downstairs. _

_Jake looked down at me apologetically and I shook my head caressing his cheek. It's not as if it was his fault. He pulled me to a chaste kiss before get up and offering him hand to me. I took it and stood up._

"_You go ahead. I'll catch you guys in a few." I said as we reached the door, loud enough so Emmett and Rose would hear._

"_What you're doing?" Jake turned to me and whispered._

"_I'm still on my PJ's Jake," I said smiling "And I want to shower."_

"_Oh… well, we'll wait for you" he said smiling._

"_No!... er, I mean, no really. You're going to be in that clear about nine miles from here right?"_ Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes…

"_Yes that's the one," Emmett called from downstairs._

"_Well, then I'll catch you up there," I said looking into Jake's confused face._

"_Ness, bu-"_

"_Please?" I asked with doe eyes "Dad will be there and uncle Jasper too. I want to… calm myself… before I go there," I whispered looking down. Jake lifted my face by the chin and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. Then cupped my face in both his hands and kissed me softly._

"_I'll wait for you there. Take your time," I nodded and he kissed me one more time before going out the door._

_I plopped in my bed and started to the ceiling smiling like a fool for what it felt like a lifetime. How could that man do those things to me, got me all worked up, and just with kisses? _

_I decided that a shower was on the store for me._

_From there on, all had gone down the hill. The shower was really not the right place to think about the way Jake's lips had traveled from my lips to my neck. Or to imagine how they would feel in other places, while his hands made of my body a map to memorize. _

_I had found myself touching my breast slightly, my fingers caressing one of my nipples and then taking it between my thumb and forefinger. I relished in the sensation, imagining they were Jacob's hands doing it. _

_My right hand began to travel down my stomach caressing slowly, felling the softness of my skin, the sleekness caused by the water. I jerk it back up when I reached an ultra sensitive spot between my legs. It felt so good, that it scared me for a second._

Okay, calm down. Just breathe… that's it. Good. Now, get out of the shower and go to your bed.

You know, I actually agree with you in that.

Yeah, well… doing what you are about to do must feel more comfortable if you're not standing.

_I followed my own advice and got out of the shower wrapping a towel around me and going to my bed in tiptoes; it was silly really, I knew I was alone. I lay in the middle of it and continued where I left. This time, instead of going for that place of pleasure directly as I did before, I did it more softly, caressing it almost._

_I tried to imagine how Jacob's fingers would feel down there, teasing me, touching me, loving me. I ever so slowly started to push one finger in my entrance, pushing a little in, then almost all the way out, then in a little more and out almost all the way. By the point it was all the way in, I was panting and my heart was hammering against my chest. Then I did the same adding a second finger. Imagining all the time it were Jacob's fingers doing me that._

_I started to move the fingers inside of me. My hips jerked up on their own accord, making the heel of the palm of my hand press my clit, creating the most perfect sensation._

"_Oh God!" I moaned in pleasure. It just felt so good. I did it again, but this time with my thumb, moving it in circular motions, applying a little more pressure, at the same time that my fingers moved inside me a little faster._

_I thought that at that moment I would faint. I felt a growing pressure built up form my toes till it reached in the pit of my stomach, and I knew I was close to something. _

_Something big._

_I brought the free hand, that was clutched to the sheet, up to knead my breasts; I played with my harden nipples slightly before pinching them, imagining Jacob's teeth as he would do it._

_My fingers were moving rapidly, now. Then my middle fingertip hit a secret spot that was, apparently, a key to pleasure._

"_Oh God! Jacob!...God yes!... oh, fuck Jake, yes! Yes! Jakeeee!" I moaned hotly as I came hard all over my fingers, coating them with my arousal. _

_I caressed my entrance as I came down of my high, waiting for my heart and breathing to even out. I could feel a fine layer of sweat in my forehead and my body was trembling slightly. The smell of my arousal was all over the place and for a moment I wondered…_

… _I drew my fingers up to my mouth to taste my own juices, I knew it was probably gross… but I was curious. I caressed my lips with my fingertips coating them in my wetness, before licking them off and then stuck out my tongue to lick the rest of my juices from my fingers, moaning at the taste, it was oddly salty and yet sweet in some way. I didn't think I would taste like that… _

… _And just then I had heard a groan._

_I jerked my head up to see my door closing and hear retreating footsteps._

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><p><strong>Hey, everyone! If you made it till the end I'd like to tell you a few things. First, thank you for reading. I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but RL has been a bit chaotic lately so me posting this is really a bit of a surprise even for me.<strong>

**Second, I know the story might seem a little threshed, but it's really not. At least, what I have in mind is not, let's see how that turns out. It'll be a short story, but hopefully different.**

**And last but not least, if you liked it, stay tuned 'cause there's more to come - pun totally intended. Chaper 2 is been corrected as we speak! **

**See you next time, Nana.**


	2. I ain't no child

**Hi There! There're a few little things I'd like to tell you before you read...**

**First, thanks to those of you who took the time to review and put this story in you alerts and favorites, it's relly an honor.**

**Second, I think the updating of this story will be one chapter per month. I know, it's too little but I'm currently trying to focus on correcting my other story Rising of the Heart in order to keep posting it since it's been on a looooooong hiatus. Nonetheless, if I see the time to squeeze another chapter for NtbAO throughtout the month, you'll be the first to know ;)**

**And withot anything else to say, I'll leave you to it...**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: I AIN'T NO CHILD<strong>

Two soft knocks on my door brought me back to the present. I smell Emmett's scent intensify, and know it was him the one to knock.

I hadn't left my room in four days. I hadn't seen nor spoken to anybody in the same time – with the exception of mom.

I couldn't bring myself to look at any of them in the eye. I was too embarrassed to do it. And not for what I did, but for being caught at it. For God's sake! What I did was normal! It _is _even healthy… and I _am_ and hormonal teenager.

But then I thought it was time to face things like and big girl, if I wanted to be treated like one.

_And if you're doing things, only big girls should do. Then you may as well act as one._

_I'm afraid that I'm agreeing way too many times with you lately._

_Of course you do, I'm yourself… just a little smarter._

I mentally narrowed my eyes at myself.

_Stop making faces at yourself and let Emmett in._

I sighed and took a deep long breath.

"Come in," I said hoping he would just not laugh at me this time. I was still a little pissed off about that, but considering all things together, it was the least to worry about.

The door opened slowly and Emmett picked his head through the crack.

"Hey," I said trying to sound the better I could.

"Hey," he answered and seemed relieved that I had greeted him in some way. And it made me sad that I had been treating all of them badly… well, not exactly, since treating them badly would imply _some_ treating. And I simply_ wasn't _treating them at all.

"May I come in?" he asked still standing by the door. I sighed and nodded patting him to sit on my bed. He looked like I had gave him a ticket to Yellow Stone to meet Yogui Bear and BooBoo Bear in person, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh God! You _actually_ have teeth!" he said in mocked surprise as I smiled to him.

"Shut up," I laughed and threw him a pillow "And thank that God of yours I'm not venomous 'cause I would bite you till it burns."

"Why don't you bite Jacob better? I'm sure he wouldn't mi-" I looked down, all trace of laugher out. But he must have seen my face, because he cursed under his breath and then sighed. "Look Nessie…" He reached and put a hand on my knee. When I didn't pulled away he continued "…I'm an ass, you know that right?" I hid a smile and nodded "Good. Because it's true. I am an insensible ass. I'm not Carlisle with his kindness. I'm not Edward with his mind-reading. And I'm not Jasper with his mood control. I'm just Emmett being an ass with his jokes," he started matter of factly. I looked up and saw his face completely at ease. I frowned.

"You're not an ass, if you were a complete ass, I wouldn't have left you into my room," I said.

"Whoa, whoa… slow down there girl… I'm not saying I'm a _complete _ass. I'm just saying I'm and ass," I smiled. He moved closer to hug me and I didn't fight. "I'm sorry Messy_,_" he mumbled on my hair and I smiled weakly at the nickname of my nickname he had given me a while ago. "I shouldn't have laughed, though I really wasn't laughing at you. And about the other thing…"

"What were you laughing at?" I asked in an attempt to change the subject. He noticed, of course, but let go.

"Well, I was laughing at a memory, well, few memories actually," he chuckled once.

"What memories?" I asked.

"Human memories, some of the few I still have."

"About what?" I pressed. It felt good to talk about something that didn't involve me and that day.

"About all the times my parents, my sister and once my aunt caught me masturbating," he said nonchalant. I groaned and pulled pull out of his chest.

"Emmett…" I whined.

"Hey! Don't blame me. You wanted to know, I told you."

"Yes bu-"

"I know how you feel," he said, stopping me in my tracks. I didn't know if I should believe him or just laugh at his face for that statement. Emmett, the person most sexually active I've known. How could _he_ know how I feel?

"Look, I know what you're thinking. And I'd probably think the same being in your place. But you know what? All of us went through the stage you're going through. Just that, thankfully, we didn't had a house full of creatures with enhanced senses." He chuckled once and I groaned "But like I said, that didn't keep _me_ to being caught. At least you were being just heard and not _caught_ with your hand on the… _package"_

"Wait… but you guys saw me… I mean, I heard the door being closed and the steps on the stairs"

"No, we didn't see you, it was only – " Emmett stopped himself before continue. I glared at him.

"Emmett," I warned slowly.

"Uh-uh… no telling Messy," he shook his head fervently.

"Emmett, tell me," I gave him my doe eyes, he, Charlie and Jacob were the ones that could never resist my doe eyes.

"Danm it, don't do that. You're not playing fair," he said closing his eyes. I sighed in resignation.

"Fine" I grumbled. He picked with one eye to be sure I didn't have my doe face on, and then opened both.

"So… you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No," I mumbled.

"But I take it that Jake didn't know you did that… I mean, by the shocked look in his face," he said nonchalantly. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"No," I mumbled again. "It was the first time… well, not really. I mean, Oh God! Why I'm talking this to you?"

"Because you need to talk about it with someone; and since I'm the only one that had seen your face in four days besides Bella and she was quite shocked by your, erm… way… to describe things. So she didn't know how to approach things…"

"Oh God…" I groaned and put my hand on my face. Seriously, was there something more I could do to embarrass myself in front of my family?

"Oh please Messy! It's no big deal… I mean, yes we all heard you moan and yell Jacob's name as you orgasmed, so what? _I_ do that every night with Rossie – I don't moan Jacob's name of course – We all knew you were masturbating thinking about Jacob, so what? We all have done that, at least once in our life. _Hell, _I bet that if you asked Carlisle, even _he _had done it – I mean, not thinking of Jacob. But you get the idea – Seriously, Renesmee. It. Is. Not. Big. Deal. Get out of this room and go get Jacob, so _he_ can make you orgasm personally," I heard a growl that recognized as dad's downstairs. Emmett was breathing hardly when he ended his speech, as though he was really out of breath for saying all that in one row.

I, in the other hand, had nothing to say. Because, yes, I was beyond ashamed and embarrassed. But looking at all the facts from another perspective, I was being immature and childish by just hiding here in my room without wanting to see anyone.

"You know, some of the things you said I neither wanted nor needed to hear and especially not have the mental images in my head," I shook my head trying to erase a masturbating Emmett – Gross… he's my uncle.

"Well maybe I should help you out with that and tell you something you really want to hear," he said smirking. He bended over and whispered in my ear "I know of a werewolf I'm sure as hell, _loved _your display. Even though he didn't show it… At least publicly."

I could bet my life that in that moment my face was as red as a lobster, because only thinking that Jacob had enjoyed what I did… sent shivers all around my body – Good shivers. _Very _good shivers.

Emmett kissed my forehead and stood up. He was by the door when I called him. "Emmett," he looked back at me "Only an ass could have pulled me out of the room," I said smiling.

"Well them I'm glad I'm your ass," he chuckled and winked at me as he exited the room leaving the door ajar.

For a moment, I stayed there sitting on my bed, thinking about my conversation with Emmett. After a while I took a deep breath and followed him.

There was no one on the hallway, so I imagined that they were downstairs. I descended the staircase particularly slowly, still dreading facing them.

When we moved, mom and dad decided they wanted us to move with the rest of the family, because even though we three were a little family within a family, we didn't want to stay far away from the others. So grandma made arrangements and found this huge house that was isolated from any other in the adjacencies.

My room was on the third floor as was my parents' and a study – which I didn't used often since most of my homework I did it at Jake's – that floor was considered ours upon Esme insistence. In the second floor were Emmett and Rosalie's room, Alice and Jasper's and a playroom that was mostly used by Emmett, Jasper and Jacob. That left Carlisle and Esme's room on the lower floor. They had decided to take some time on their own to travel and visit some of the fellow covens, leaving the house to the other three couples, Jacob and me.

As I landed on the living room it struck me as estrange that there was no one in there or in the kitchen. I tried the library and the mini screening room located on the main floor getting the same result. When I was sure that there was no one inside the house, I went to the backyard.

It was chilly out there. But, what was I expecting? It was the middle of December, and I was wearing only my PJ's and slippers no having it in me to wear anything dressier.

I was disconcerted when I found no one out there either… Where were the people around here?

I took a glance over at the guest house wondering if maybe Jacob was there. I made my way to the door and took a deep breath before knocking twice. I had no idea what Jacob would say or how he would react, both to me not seeing him in four days and to the… well to the other thing.

The door swung open and Jacob stood there as beautiful as ever; a pair of sweatpants, no t-shirt, his shoulder-long hair falling on his face and dripping wet a little. I felt a jolt of electricity shot through me, sending a little shiver through all my body. His first reaction was shock, which was fast replaced by a smile and then he threw his arms to me.

"God, baby, you must be frizzing out there," he said wrapping me in his arms and closing the door after we were both inside. It wasn't after I felt his warm body pressed against me, that I realized I was shivering. I wrapped my arms around his waist as well and rested my head in his chest, breathing his scent.

How I missed this, I thought.

"I'm sorry," I murmured the first thing that came to my mind, not sure what else to say.

"Why would you apologize for? For frizzing?" he said with a hint of amusement in his voice as he led me to the couch on the living room. He sat down, still with his arm around me.

"No," I took a glance at his face and then looked down again "I don't know, I – I didn't like to stay away from you," I admitted. Staying away from him these days was even harder than to face the embarrassment that would come when I face the rest of the family.

"I didn't like that either," even though he said it softly, I felt the twinge of guilt in my stomach "But you're here now and besides, you needed time right? You needed to stay away… So, it's okay"

"No! I didn't need to stay away! I mean, it's just that…" God, the last thing I wanted was for him to think that I needed to stay away from him. If there was something I needed and always would need, was to stay _with _him "It's just that… it was embarrassing"

"There's no need for you to be embarrassed around me, Ness. I want you to trust me," he assured me softly and I nodded my head.

"I do. I really do. You know that," I assured him back. And it was true. I could trust him with my life, and I know I'd be perfectly fine.

"Good," he replied smiling at me.

"Where's everybody?" I asked after a while.

"Hmmm, I don't know. They're not in the house?" he asked confused. I shook my head. "Oh," It's all he said.

There's an awkward silence, or at least awkward for me. It's really unnerving, because this it's not how my relationship, my friendship with Jacob is or used to be. There has never been anything awkward with between us. I had never felt that there was something I could _not _talk with him. And it makes me sad, because it's my fault that things between us are like that now. Even though the reason why I don't feel comfortable talking with him about this is out of sheer embarrassment, rather that lack of trust.

Is the embarrassment and fear, of what he would think of me if I tell him that all I can think about is how he kisses me, how he touches me – not that there has been much of that. And that's the point.

I want there to be more of that – much more of that.

But what would he think if I told him that? That I'm a horny little girl that can't keep her mind out of the gutter.

Not that it's a lie, but it isn't just that. It's that I want to have all those experiences with _him._

"Baby, you're killing me here," Jake groaned beside me, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Hmmm, sorry… I was just thinking"

"About…?" he asked looking at me hopefully.

"Hmmm… nothing, really" I said biting my lip – yeah, nervous habits can be inherited. I think.

"Right," he eyed me for a moment with a dubious look in his eyes, before he lets out a long sigh "So, what you want do?"

I got in my knees and inched closer to him on the couch, before wrap my arms around his neck smiling at him.

"I dunno. What you wanna do?" I asked. He smiled back to me noticing the change in me. Noticing me being myself.

"I can think only one thing I want to do right now. I've being wanting to do it for days now." he whispered, placing a hand in my waist, caressing it lightly with him thumb.

"And what's that?" I asked as he caressed my face with his other hand. I feel my heartbeat rise. Like every time he touches me, speaks to me, or even looks in my direction.

"I want to kiss you," he said caressing my lower lip with his thumb. I looked briefly to his lips – full, luscious, slightly parted – and then back to his brown, deep eyes.

"Then do it," I whispered in his cheek, as I felt my heart beat even faster.

He turned his face slightly, placing little kisses across my cheek, each time coming closer to my awaiting mouth. Then he softly brushed his lips mine as his hand move to my middle back holding me firmly.

"I love you, Ness," he breathed against my lips, bathing me with his breath. My heart skipped a beat and I felt a jolt of energy in the pit of my stomach just from hearing those words. I guess that from now on it would always be that way every time he says them.

"I love you, too," I whispered, cupping his cheek in my hand before leaning in and kiss him again. Our lips move in synchrony, like they do every time. His tongue brushed my lower lip, asking for entrance, which I eagerly conceded.

My hands move of their own accord to the back his neck and my fingers tangle into his hair at the time that his hands move to my waist once again. I moaned as he pushed me flushed against his body, moving one of his hands to my thigh.

"Jake…" I whispered against his mouth in encouragement which, apparently, he misunderstood and broke the kiss, breathing heavy.

"Sorry," he removed the hand that was on my thigh as he closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch.

That's the moment I realized that if I wanted things to move forward between us, I had to take the first step. It's _me_ who has to set the rhythm. Because I knew Jacob would never push me to rush things. And since, apparently, I was too much of a coward to tell him that I wanted to take a step forward.

_You can always show him, you know?_

In that moment I couldn't love my internal voice more.

With my new resolution, I detangled my hand from his hair and ran my fingers across his face, tracing each line, seeing as his features relax under my touch. I caressed from his forehead to his chin, paying special attention to his eyelids and lips.

Then I placed little kisses across his face as my fingers moved forward to his neck, going down to his chest, his shoulders, his arms… Every cell of my body aware that his not wearing a shirt, that the skin of his upper body is entirely at my disposal.

I trace my lips along his neck, placing soft kisses in there. My caress barely a whisper against his pulse point, his throat, that place behind his right ear…

"Jake…" I whisper, my lips brushing his earlobe. I hear his heartbeat speed and sense him shiver a little "…I missed you" he takes a deep breath, still with his eyes closed. And I know he's trying to control himself, but that's the point – I don't want him to control himself.

In a bold move, I straddle him. I feel the change I him, he tenses and from my peripheral view I see his hands clutched to the fabric of the couch, his jaw clenched. My hands moved from his shoulders to his arms, then to his own hands and took them in mines, placing them slowly in my hips. I hesitantly retired my hands– not sure if Jake was going to freak out or something. Though, who should've been freaking out was me, – but he just leave his hands there; and then tentatively caressing my hipbones with his thumbs, sending shivers through my spine and at the same time giving me hopes that this was not a lost cause.

I took my hands back to his shoulders and kneaded then slowly – coaxing him to relax, before kissing his neck once again while one of his hands move to my lower back, pulling me closer to him.

And that's when I knew it was possible to get I wanted – what I needed.

I made my way upwards with my lips, reaching his, and placed a little kiss in the corner of his mouth before leaning back slightly, just so I could look at his face.

"Jake?"

"Hmm?" he murmured, still with his eyes closed and both of his hand just above my butt.

"Look at me," I whispered. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked into mines.

An audible little gasp escaped my lips at the intensity present in his eyes, sending my heart to over drive. They weren´t their usual tone of brown. They were darker; much, much darker, almost black; and bottomless, like he was staring straight to my soul.

They were filled with so many emotions that it was hard to name them all. But there was one that I could identify easily.

Lust.

Something I hadn't seen in him with such intensity before. But there it was.

And it was for me.

_Because_ of me.

I had to take a few breaths, because the fact that I could make him feel that way was a shock to me. Not that it should be. But it was. And I was supposed to be the calmed one at the moment.

And though I definitely wanted to see that lust in his eyes, I didn't want to freak out, so I tried to concentrate on the familiar things I found in them.

Like the love he had always had for me, that throughout the years has transformed in something that was beyond love. The comprehension and understanding we had always had…

I simply saw Jacob.

My Jacob.

So I knew that whatever fears I might had – whether it was me thinking I wasn't prepared to take our relationship forward or the embarrassment I might feel for what happened – were unfounded. I knew, in that moment, looking into his eyes, that no matter what I did, I would never found judgment in them.

With my realization giving me a new found courage, I leaned in to kiss him once again. This time more passionately, with something inside of me that was desperate to be released.

He returned my kiss hesitantly at first, probably taken aback from the intensity of it; but when my tongue made contact with his upper lip, he gave in with a groan and opened his mouth for me. Our tongues moved together in a dance of passion and love. My hands tangled in his hair, his moved all over my back bringing me flush against his chest till no even air could pass between us, and even then, it was not enough.

Not close enough.

I moved, trying to get closer, and that's when I felt it.

"Oh, God…" I moaned, breaking off the kiss as he groaned and stilled our movements.

He was hard, _so _hard. He felt so big and hot and _hard _against me. And he was just where I needed him to be. For a moment the only sounds in the room came from our labored breathing and our frantic heartbeats.

This hunger I was feeling was something I've had only tastes of. It had never been like this, never this strong, never this consuming, never in its full force.

Never like in that moment.

And I knew the only one that could ever satiate my hunger was Jacob.

I grounded my hips against him one more time, just for the sheer need to feel him again. And there he was again, hard and big and hot and creating the most delicious pressure against my center.

"Ness," he groaned. _God_, his voice was so different… hoarser, deeper. It created goose bumps in my skin.

My hips started to move against him on their own volition as a reaction to his voice, to his sight – his hands stilled on my waist, head thrown back against the couch, eyes closed, a little frown between his eyebrows, lips slightly parted, nostrils flaring at the same rhythm that his chest heaved with every labored breath his took.

"Ness," he groaned again, this time moving his hands to my hips and stopping my movements all together but at the same time pushing me down into his lap, effectively creating more pressure where I needed it and making me groan in response.

I thought he was encouraging me, but when I realized that he wasn't going to do anything else I grounded my hips one more time, making the both of us moan. It seemed that the only sounds we were able to master were those of animals. Not that cared in that moment.

Once again, he stilled my movements, this time pushing me backwards a little.

"God, Ness. What you doing, baby?" He asked in a strained tone.

"Isn't it obvious?" I punctuated my question with another little roll of my hips, which he promptly stopped once again.

"Baby, I – I don't think we should. This isn't right," this time he opened his eyes, the look in them imploring. I could be sure if it was for me to stop or to continue.

I was prepared to this; I knew he would not relent that easily. But what I wasn't prepared for was the feel of rejection his words caused me. Then I thought how I must look like, throwing myself at him, desperate, needy…

Tears that had been menacing to spell since four days ago came once again at my eyes making my sight blur.

"Oh, no. Please don't cry, baby. Don't cry," he soothed.

"I'm not crying," I mumble turning my head to the window.

"Yes you are," He argued.

"I'm not!" I glared at him. He smiles.

"No?" He pretends to ponder this for a moment before he says, "Then it must be me looking through a water wall."

Is he trying to be funny? Because if that's the case, then he's not achieving it.

"Not funny?" He asks with feigned hurt.

"Do you see me laughing?" I retort cocking an eyebrow.

"That's so cool, I always wanted to learn to do that," then he begins to make faces trying to cock a single eyebrow.

I don't say anything.

Because it makes me angry. Because what we did minutes ago, or what I was trying to do minutes ago, was serious – at least for me. Because he's trying to distract me from it. And because I don't want to be distracted.

So I make the move to stand up.

He caught me by the waist still making faces and asks "Where're you going?"

"Home," I say simply.

He finally stops making faces and trying to cock a single eyebrow, all traces of mockery gone.

"Why?"

"Because I want to go home," I answer.

He frowns. "I thought I was your home."

I look at him for a long time trying to decide if he's being serious or if this is just another way to distract me. He's serious, I can tell and looking at his face only makes tears come to my eyes once again. I don't even know the reason they're there right now yet, I ground my teeth to stop me from crying. But it useless this time, I know, and I feel the warm wetness spilling from my eyes and hitting my cheeks till they reach my chin in tiny rivulets.

"Come here," Jake whispers hugging me to him.

My face goes naturally to the crook of his neck while his chin rests atop my head, his big long arms circling me, evolving me and making me feel save, protected, cared for, loved. Making me feel… at home.

With him holding me, I feel like I'm a little child again. And it's confusing getting this feeling even though I know I'm not a little child anymore.

"Do you think of me as a child?" I ask moments later, after I've calmed down a bit, my voice barely a whisper.

He doesn't answer for a while and I begin to think he won't answer me at all when he says, "I used to think of you as that, but I can't anymore," There's something in his voce that makes me look up. There's a sorrow in his face I can't really place, it's almost as if the thought… pained him.

"Do you want to think of me as a child?" I ask this time.

He frowns a little and takes his time in answering. All the while, there's a part of me that dreads his answer.

"Sometimes I think it'd be easier, simpler if I did. If I'd thought of you as the little baby who loved to crush silvery and play with snow, as the little girl who'd only go hunting if we made a match of it or the one that used to beg me to ride on my back as we ran…"

"Hey! I still like to ride on you!" I interrupted and then flushed taking notice of what I said, but if Jake catched the double meaning, he only smiled at it and didn't comment.

"There're will always be a part of me that will think of you as a child… No, look at me," He took my chin between his fingers and gently lifted my face, "I think I used the wrong words. There're will always be a part of me that will remember you as a child. And I will always want to remember you as a child. But, do I think of you as a child?" He took a deep breath, and then shake his head, "No, definitely not."

"Good," I said smiling, "'Cause I'm no child anymore." _And I plan on showing you just that_, I thought.

"Oh, I know, the Lord knows that I know," he groaned at that. The sound making things in me reawake… and bringing something to my fore mind, something from that night four days ago.

* * *

><p><strong>So... How did you like it? Leave me your thoughts ;)<strong>

**See you next time, Nana.**


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